Friday, March 20, 2009

Space Bats, Robots, Evil Lair Now With Added Stephen Conroy!


Alien Space Bat Hitching A Ride On Discovery
Ya see this critter here? Well it just happens to be an alien space bat hooked on to the side of Space Shuttle Discovery earlier this week. Here's the proof. Sure the animal lovers will say it was a regular earth bat but if it was, why would it hang onto a bloody big bomb and get fried? No, it was an intelligent, alien space bat well used to blasting through planetary atmospheres in its never ending quest to conquer ordinary, harmless, good natured planets such as earth and turn us into space slaves to work in blood mines. No matter that we have the Giant Mutant Space Frog to worry about, now we find these alien freeloaders using Our Technology against us. If you want to save the world, go and kill as many bats as you can find.

This brings me to another problem.

Not really cute robot girl

So the Japanese are now producing fembots. Don't they know what happens when the machines start taking on human characteristics? The bloody fools. Sure, one day its smiling and winking and mouthing discordant platitudes, the next its zapping us with fancy robot ray guns. For fuck's sake Japan, stop it! That is unless you want to build one of these beauties. Its the only robot I'll consider saving.

Cute robot girl might be allowed to survive

So where does this leave us? Alien Space Bats, not-so-cute robot girls and the possibility of annihilation. Well, if you want to know, Professor Boylan is currently building his secret lair somewhere near Tonga. Makes a mess doesn't he? Nevertheless it will be a good place to hide.

I'm going to be there on opening day and make myself indispensable by pouring drinks, while someone else deals with the alien bats and evil robots. And don't even mention The Outbreak.

Edited to include a link to asking questions of Senator Stephen Conroy, the Minister in charge of makin a serious mess of the internet in Australia. From never-to-be fast broadband to nationwide censorship of whatever he decides at the time, this bloke has screwed the pooch. So ask him a question or two about being a zealous, right-wing coward whose incompetence is only matched by his ill placed hubris.

Friday, March 13, 2009

You Dirty Damn Apes!

Its happening. Our primate cousins have commenced their quest to oust us as masters of the planet. Maybe the chimp was pissed off with being called Brother Kwan. Perhaps the peanuts were no longer enough in these times of global economic catastrophe. Another suggested and more likely motive however was the British boarding school treatment which his master used to serve up. Despite their merits I have ruled out these motives. It is obvious that the chimps, monkeys, apes, orangutangs, crab-eating macaques and gorillas are now intent on doing us in and Brother Kwan is one of their shock troops. Yes, one day its performing tricks on a bicycle in a cute circus outfit, grinding an organ or fetching a coconut, next its extermination of the human race. Enough is enough!
Fortunately our cousins in Africa are doing their best to wipe out the silverbacks through direct and indirect means. Shooting them and clearing out their habitat is the way to go. But it is not enough. We must intensify our efforts across all of these species of pretend humans.
This is not speciesism, it is self defence.
Next time you're in Bali or India and think that the playful monkeys are cute, just think of Leilit Janchoom then catch up on some training.
Anyone for a banana daiquiri?
Not me, I'm off for a beer and to ponder the chances of winning a fortune at Randwick Races tomorrow. Oh, and the footy (NRL) starts tonight.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Peanuts - allergies shmallergies!

The alleged culprits

The peanut butter sandwich is an old favourite and comes in several guises. There's the deep fried Elvis version, the peanut butter and jam (jelly) fave, peanut butter and honey and an original devised by a family member; peanut butter, lettuce and salt with no butter.

Try and feed any of these to a kid today and they'll need an ambulance at the very least, with a bloke carrying a scythe looming large in the background. For some reason there's a widespread allergy to peanuts going on. This is very disturbing to say the least. Modern kiddies are missing out on a lot. A helluva lot. So I started investigating, beginning with the ringleader of the peanut cabbal.

Therbs: What do you say about the allergic reactions kiddies today are having to Peanuts?

Blockhead: Good Grief!

Therbs: Thanks blockhead. Go feed your dog and say g'day to the red haired chicky-babe for me.

Good grief !

I then tracked down the beagle with the Walter Mitty complex and asked him about the brouhaha.

Therbs: G'day, Snoop. What's your take on this allergy thing.

Beagle (thinks): I don't see no full dinner bowl here. Take a hike, buddy! (Runs off).

Therbs (shouts): I hope the blockhead forgets your dinner!

Taking off to Yankee Dog's place for beer 'n pizza

This was a bummer as I found myself having no luck with comic strip characters. Nevertheless I decided to go to the perennial football puller.

Therbs: Hi Luce. What do you make of this allergy BS?

Pretend Shrink: I reckon its a beat up myself. Look, in the early days we had no problems with this. Kids loved us. How many Snoopy dolls helped youngsters get to sleep each night? Millions! What it does show however is that kids are having more trouble dealing with their own world. With us, we had few adult rules so we made them up ourselves.

Therbs: Is that why, for example, you kept on pulling the football back on CB?

PS: Yeah, but I was also trying to tear down his insecurities by exposing them through that trick. It was also a big pile of fun, I gotta tell ya!

Therbs: Was it a therapy designed to get him to eventually go and talk to the red haired girl?

PS: That was one result I was hoping for. I thought that I needed to break it all down for him, block by block.

Therbs: Hence the term 'blockhead'.

PS: Good eye, Freudo. Now you've used up your play money its time to get on with your quest. Vamoose!

Leave now. Your currency is worthless here.

So after a bit of research I was able to come up with something. My conclusion is that it looks as though the allergies are a sort of physical manifestation of childhood angst. In Philosophy Now, Jan/Feb 2009, Nathan Radke observes that:

"In order to combat despair, Charlie Brown succumbs to bad faith, which is to say, he denies his freedom: “I wonder what would happen if I went over and tried to talk to her! Everybody would probably laugh ... she’d probably be insulted too ...” It is only by falsely denying his freedom that Charlie Brown can overcome his despair. But by hiding behind bad faith, he does himself no favours. Another lunch hour is spent alone on a bench with a peanut butter sandwich."

So it ends up back with the peanut butter sandwich. Its just one big bloody circle. A bloody great mandala hanging around the psyches of our young'uns to be played with and teased out by the likes of Lucy. I guess that's a result CB's mob could be proud of.

Celebration time for the unjustly villified