After going through Dr Yobbo's display of cricketing genius and wanting to smash heads since watching the inept display by Australia against the West Indies only to be tortured again by the dullest of dull Aussie performances ever witnessed, I want to put it to cricket lovers that Australian cricket is officially sleepy-byes. Having a nap. Kipping out. Basically they're scared of blokes who think that moisturiser is for girls (Michael Clark), referring to yourself in the third person (Michael Clark) and spending more than the last quarter's balance of trade on hair product (Cameron White, Michael Clark), is all pretty much a giant wank. Michael Clark represents all that is wrong with Australian Cricket. He's only in it for photo ops. His grin is that of a self-annointed Modern Player but below that mask is the visage of a conceit which is wrought in the fabric of narcissism and the meaningless false idolatory of Big Brother contestants. His performance in T-20 matches is abysmal, his will to win a cricket match is weak and his cricket brain is only slightly less feeble than that of his captain. In short, his place in the Australian team is simply a clever piece of marketing and Cricket Australia, the selectors and doe-eyed journos have fallen for a massive con. Meanwhile they've shunted out a winner who likes belting the opposition and having a beer.
It wasn't age which made the likes of Haydos, Gillie, The Greatest Living Cricketer (SK Warne), Langer, McGrath or even SCG Macgill retire. They just saw that the idea of beating up the opposition, getting on the sauce and ripping out some rock anthems was being replaced by soft, routine tactics written by slouch bikers in large print and posted in the opposition's dressing rooms so that they won't be offended by anything surprising or original, decaf soy latte sipping and iPods loaded up with moisturiser jingles. I just hope that Phil Hughes, Dave Warner, Ben Hilfenhaus, Mitchell Johnson and their ilk learn the value of cold Crownies being necked in a victorious dressing room in Madras, while an annoying bowler tries to lead them in a crap rendition of "Living On A Prayer" and the physio begs them to stop the spontaneous game of touch footy. The emasculation of Australian cricket is nigh. What was ever the point of standing out in the Australian summer sun for seven hours if it wasn't to drink cold beer afterwards? I'll be fucked if it was to test drive skin moisturisers. Just ask Warnie and Roy.
Field a baseball team. Try your luck. That team might even beat the Nationals. Once. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteYD - we can't afford the coke and steroid bills. Tell me it ain't so, Joe.
ReplyDeleteYD - Maybe the Cubs. They might finally win something.
ReplyDeleteAfter the Sydney test Simon Katich tried to punch Mr Lara Bingle's head in for trying to fuck off before the team song was sung.
ReplyDeleteRight there. There's your new Australian captain.
Dr Y - an older guy at work and myself discussed this very issue at work when it first came out. We decided then and there that Kat's a top bloke, should be captain and that Mr Bingle should be arsed out of the squad for being a complete and utter tosser. Remember, he was the instigator of Roy's persecution in Darwin. Being a blouse he feels threatened by blokes. Even Macgill was tolerated because he was good at choosing the wine at official functions (on top of being able to bowl a more than decent leggie and give oppositiopn batsmen the shits).
ReplyDeleteI think even Peter Roebuck was putting Katich forward as his preferred Australian captain should he get his wish and have Clarke and Ponting fervently given the arse.
ReplyDeleteI liked MacGill - even though we gave him gallons of curry when he played in games we were watching (eg 'DO SOMETHING MACDUFF!!!') - because you never had any doubt he was there to win the fucking cricket match. He harangued batsmen and hassled umpires and carried on like a pork chop with his collar turned up Mo Matthews style but he WANTED IT. He wasn't about to fuck off to his room after the game to play XBox and admire himself in the mirror either.
Katich is a scrapper. He had to scrap for his position in the Ausralian side, in the WA side, had to move to NSW to get respected, and takes no shit from noone. You WANT that. It's why he's made a bloody good NSW captain. I liked Jason Krejza's reference to him and Katich being the mad-arse bastards from the Eastern Bloc. We need more of that and less of Nathan Bracken and his fucking gay hair. WTF happened to Krejza anyway?
Krejzxczczyzzcsxa probably said "mad arse" once too often and Mr Bingle didn't like it. Katich is a good captain, because he actually has a tactical clue about the game. Ponting just captains on rote, trying to remember what Steve Waugh did. He mainly has victories when someone like Warne or McGrath comes up and says "Listen you double-headed retarded speedball, give me the fucking nut so we can win this fucking match and go and hit the piss."
ReplyDeleteMr Bingle pulls out his compact where Lara has written some tactical advice, like "check hair gel before batting, white shoe cream is NOT to be used for cricket gloves, please tell the nasty black Roy man that he's not allowed to play anymore, please hit run near the fence for photo op"
You know we are in trouble when BLee opens the bowling when we have Mitchell Johnson.
ReplyDeleteWe have had pretty much this arguement over at my blog after the booting of Symonds. I think you assistance over there is required to show Moko why the Kiwis can't win anything.
Hey Naut - yeah I saw that and would love to let rip. However, your blog is one of those on which I'm mysteriously blocked from lodging comments, same as YD's, Moko's, Bedes' and others. Its a fucking disgrace.
ReplyDeleteMy point about Roy is that he grew up in cricket when blokes were men, not pissant hairdo-obsessed covergirls for fashion mags.
He developed into a bigger pisspot than others and this came to a head in Darwin when Mr Bingle, as v-c of the Aussie team pulled a surprise team meeting. Roy was otherwise engaged with fishing rod and esky. Mr Bingle did this with intent because he feels threatened by alpha males. He sits on the toilet to have a piss. This became evident later in Sydney when Katich had him by the throat when Mr Bingle wanted to piss off early, before they'd sunk a few beers and sung the team song. "Oh, Lara has some nice new moisturiser she wants me to try out." When this became public knowledge Simon Katich gained my uttermost admiration.
King Cricket(English site) said about it "You can’t blame him. If we were in the same team as Michael Clarke, we’d probably have drawn up some sort of schedule as to which days we were going to punch him square in his smug face. The punch-in-the-face days would be the ones when we could bear to be in the same room as him.
The argument was a hugely worthy one. We’ve suddenly warmed to Mike Hussey." I concur, even if they are pommy bastards.
It's a sorry state of affairs and of course with the Ashes up this winter, the proof will be in the pudding...
ReplyDeleteHmmm anyone say pudding? JB finally did that column, about bloody time.
ReplyDeleteIt felches donkey arse that commenting prob hasn't sorted itself. Only common thread I can think of is they're all Blogger sites. Then again so is yours and mine. Not your browser? Antivirus software getting in the fucking way as usual? Anyway if you need a hand to get yr Bedak tips in just dump em somewhere on the World of Bollocks or Havocks joint or wherever, it'll get sorted out.
Moko's position I understand. But it's the sort of position you can only afford if you can afford to hold, if you follow. It's discretionary morality. If your level of background talent is such that you know you're gonna win no matter who you pick, then you can afford to pick the family-friendly, no-misbehavin' pretty boys. If you can't win without the pisshead bastard thugs in order to win the game - which given we lost without Roy appears to be the case - then such an argument falls over because if a sporting team isn't winning it doesn't matter a fuck whether they're nice respectable fullahs or not. Their core business is to win games of professional sport, without which the entire economic basis for professionalism - fans following them, hence media paying attention, hence sponsors paying bucks - goes utterly tits up.
Speaking of tits - NZ has Jesse Ryder, who has all of the same problems as Roy Symonds with only 50% of the talent. 80% on a good day.
I noticed the svelte Mr Ryder last summer. Looked a likely lad for the beer'n'pie merchants (not that there's anything wrong with that). If you want to read a classic road trip based on cricket check out John "Darkie" Harm's ramblings in a book called "Confessions of aThirteenth Man". Not enough skirt chasing or beer drinking but its still worth reading.
ReplyDeleteYeah Kegs Ryder doesn't drive past too many pie shops without stopping. He's currently away from the side, laid up in hospital, supposedly with a groin strain. Though unofficially it's gout.
ReplyDeleteLegendary former NSW all-rounder Gary "Gus" Gilmour was probably pretty much in the same league as Kegs. Legend has it that he was in the Doug Walters/Rodney Marsh/Kerry O'Keefe echelon of drinking cricketers. And he suffered from gout, beer paunch and ugly melon but could smash the ball into the upper deck of the ladies while rolling a durry, sorting out the ice in the esky and chatting up the cute blonde at deep fine leg. He was also a Novacastrian.
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